👋 Hi. I wrote this about a month ago over an experience in connection with other experiences I am in process of. It’s a healing journey. Call me Swiss cheese, where I can see and feel the holes. They are so obviously there!!! And I am absolutely saying yes to Gods light in every area.
Why would I share something like this. I see my life as ever changing. I am a human which can be really hard with all the struggles. Thank God for laugher and love. The topic of love has come up so much I have started writing about it more to process. Do I even know what love is. I am indeed on a healing journey, how about you? So perhaps more posts on love as I grow in this area. I have much to be grateful for, and oh how I do know that I love my children, my dog, dance, music, nature, and food!
One question I have been asking my leaders is, how do you define love? For me, and where I am at today, it’s being real. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to cry, don’t shove it away. It’s ok to be awkward, certainly there was a way my life got started that has amounted to huge feelings of awkwardness. I’m not gonna cover that now. So without further or due, here’s what happened I share with you.
First, I feel so blessed that my Father in Heaven always loves me. He loves us right where we’re at!!! I see him often laughing with me, or holding me inside His heart when the tears flow. Laughter always comes after the rain.
I’ve had this urge to share a part of me I thought I never would. But when I think about it…it sorta cracks me up!
I am not sure I ever want to get married again, so I’ve got nothing to lose with sharing my natural awkwardness here. Also heads up, long term I don’t know what God has planned for me, but I am trusting for Gods best. I have too!
So here’s a short story of my last weeks awkward text messages, translated here by me. This time I shall not be ambivilant…
Wait, well he is handsome—HOWEVER! Our views on life are not the same. I kept on turning the wheel back to genuine encouragement and what I heard God saying, however he kept turning it back to hints. And so he finally said you know how I stand with the god thing, so sorry to be frank, I am flirting with you. And I wrote back, sorry to be deep, I am speaking my truth that I don’t know how to flirt especially in text, and God is everything and all to me, and he loves you. (Now my actual brother said I don’t want to push people away from God when I called him after this experience, cause I needed to talk to a real brother) which that was certainly not my intent, in fact I think for the first time ever, I was able to be blunt with a man in this way. But thanks bro for being there for me, if you ever read this, which I know you probably won’t. However give credit where credits due!
I actually admitted to my friend that he is an attractive man and I truly enjoy hanging out with him. However if I ever go past flirting, he will be a lover of God and a revivalist. This is my truth. We both agreed to stay friends, which is a breath of fresh air for me and what I was hoping for, and then he said if I ever am interested in a secular man, he can offer things a non-secular man couldn’t. I didn’t realize how funny that sorta is in that moment. And I am intentionally choosing to not overthink that. Rather, whatever is noble, whatever is true. And quite frankly, that’s not truth.
I thanked him and said it was great speaking with him. And after some time thinking of this, I think I’ve come up with a new word with what happened. My friend, you have been priested. Much better than ghosted if you ask me. It’s still an improvement from the old ghosting…I think? This time I’m not running way, in all sincerity I am speaking what I believe.
This conversation made it here, and to therapy. I said I want to be more direct. Not ambivilant. She asked what I want. I want to be friends, and not walk away because of this awkwardness I feel…(like all the other almost friends I walked away from if I sensed something more or they walked away, either way, away we went!) Yes this all goes back to childhood in ways known and even unknown to me (process), however I am now eyes opened to God fathering me. I want to be real about my intentions if I sense more flirting. If he’s interested for more, I shall prophesy that my man will have gone through ministry school…which will hopefully cut the cheese. In the moment it was a win win. Will I win him for Christ eventually? I certainly hope so, and at the same time must let that go knowing it’s not my responsibilty to achieve that. The seeds have been sown. Maybe we can still be friends, I don’t know the secret to that. But love and kindness to the best of our abilities, and indeed boundaries.
He Concluded With if I ever have a Devine dream of him, no shame in reaching out. Truth is months ago I had a dream he told me he loved me. I even thought then if only He were Christian. Not religious, Christian. Living a Spirit filled life is everything to me. I lived the other life. I lived first hand experience where Christ was not in the relationship, and it ended up through war until it ended. Not easy. Very hard. Very sad. However indeed the healthy choice that kept me safe. Jesus rose from the grave. Forever. His name is King Jesus, and he my friends is the King of the world.
It is important to be with someone who is equally yoked spiritually for long term. So I ain’t gonna play with fire here but it still makes me laugh thinking of the sorta of awkwardness I sometimes go through. That after a week of not being friends I suspect anymore, it’s just another story. Which is a little sad as well but all I know to do in such a thing, is let go and free the birds that I liked as friends. Have a blessed life dude. God bless you.
Funny how the more blunt I become, the more opportunities there are to practice bluntness.
This verse in James 1 has changed me…even into a desire of being direct in such stories. With God, it’s possible. Ask the Holy Spirit and he’ll guide you for the circumstances you find yourself in. Which are hopefully good and fun, and will make a fun story to share!
5 And if anyone longs to be wise, ask God for wisdom and he will give it! He won’t see your lack of wisdom as an opportunity to scold you over your failures but he will overwhelm your failures with his generous grace. 6 Just make sure you ask empowered by confident faith without doubting that you will receive. For the ambivalent person believes one minute and doubts the next. Being undecided makes you become like the rough seas driven and tossed by the wind. You’re up one minute and tossed down the next. 7–8 When you are half-hearted and wavering it leaves you unstable. Can you really expect to receive anything from the Lord when you’re in that condition?
So if I want more solid, steadfast love. I shall give it. Who’s in! We can do it with our unconditional Father who showers us with love. Never scolding us. Always there for us. And gives us wisdom when we ask.
With complete gratitude of you, and somewhat awkwardness for sharing such a story,